Cheese Monster made me do it.


This happened last night, 10:00PM:

To clarify: I did NOT eat the Floor Refresher Spray

It was only a minor set-back, in terms of pulling myself together food-wise.  In the past three days I have gotten myself back on the right track.  I have eaten many fruits and quite a few vegetables and virtually nothing with added sugar.

That last has been particularly hard since I am coming down off a trip to my Grandma’s, where apart from having had 24/7 access to chips, ice cream and soda, I basically mainlined Starbursts for 48 hours straight.  It is just what you do at Grandma’s, but suddenly stopping the steady stream of Starburst sugar sent my system staggering.

(p.s. I just won a gold medal for alliteration!)

So although I was basically tweaking on processed sugar and jumping out of my skin looking for another hit, I avoided temptation and I think it’s mostly out of my system.

I’ve had but the one quesadilla incident that I consider a failure.

Of course, it wasn’t ME who made the quesadilla, it was my Cheese Monster.  Of the Cheese Monster, Ze Frank says:

And when I get that feeling in my stomach, you know the feeling when all of a sudden you get a ball of energy and it shoots down into your legs and up into your arms and it tells you to get up and stand up and go to the refrigerator and get a cheese sandwich: that’s my cheese monster talking and my cheese monster will never be satisfied by cheddar, only the cheese of accomplishment.

Ze Frank is like my new guru: I listen to what he says and I think about it.  He takes mundane topics and speaks about them with humor and insight.  He has crazy eyes that I absolutely love and thanks to him, I have a name to give the thing inside me that drives me to get up and eat some cheese, which is a thing I do a lot, and that name is Cheese Monster and it’s brilliant.

Of course, my Cheese Monster is still craving cheddar (and feta, manchego, wensleydale, provolone, &c.) rather than accomplishment.  At least it has a name now, so I can work on redirecting it.

Ze Frank also just just just put up THIS video about having high cholesterol in which he talks to an unnamed inner-version of himself that I believe to be HIS Cheese Monster.  This video SPEAKS TO MY SOUL:

I am very bad at fighting that inner voice, but I do want to live a longer and healthier life and my Cheese Monster has been out of control lately.

It is something to think about, and to work on.  I am very good at thinking about things, it’s just the working on them that I need to work on. I’m working on it though.

More areas of my life in which I am pulling myself back together to follow!


Semi-wise, semi-regular


I’ve decided this should be Pull Yourself Together! Week.

The “Yourself” referring, naturally, to me.

You may have noticed that I spend a lot of time telling amusing/appalling anecdotes about eating junk food and being absurdly lazy.  While those are true stories, the truer truth is that most of the time I have my shit together.

Let’s not carried away: even at my best I am not someone you would show in a motivational setting as a shining beacon of How You Should Live.  But I am, for the most part, a productive and functioning member of society, who makes semi-wise life choices on a semi-regular basis.

Except for times when I do not.

Times like when I eat 12 ice cream sandwiches in a week, I forgo exercising regularly, I snooze my alarm clock too much, I forget to charge my electric toothbrush, I stop answering emails, I don’t change my sheets at particularly appropriate intervals, I watch entire seasons of television in unacceptably small windows of time, I abandon any and all creative projects, I fail to nurture my interpersonal relationships, I shower less often than you would like, I go out in public in holey t-shirts and flip-flops.

Other things, probably too, but I think you get the point.

The problem is that many of the things on that list that make me feel like my life has fallen apart in August start out as real treats in June/July:

Snooze that alarm clock for an hour and a half because you don’t really have anywhere to go and your new bedroom is absurdly pleasant for early-morning snoozing?


Eat whatever you want because you have no regular schedule and it is summer, dammit?

Sounds like a plan.

Stop showering, wearing make-up and putting any effort into your clothes because you never go anywhere where you may see people?

Why the heck not!?

Start Battlestar Galactica over again at the beginning because you finally finished and now you MISS IT?

Best frakkin’ idea I’ve ever heard of.

And so on.

As these things begin to pile up, though, they stop being relaxing and fun.  Suddenly I take a look at my life and wonder where it all went.

So with three weeks left in summer, I figure it’s about time I started pulling myself together, lest I show up for the first day of school two hours late, wearing a dirty Ron Weasley t-shirt and toting naught but a bag of Cheetos for lunch.

If you knew the version of me I have become right now, that very scenario would seem dangerously close to realistic.

Updates to follow this week on my success at sorting out the biggest areas needing my attention: food, exercise, sleep schedule, general productivity….