Real Moments of Genius


Dearest Readers,

Tonight I am sharing with you three imaginary plots (along with some casting!) for nonexistent made-for-TV holiday movie romances that I have dreamed up in my head.  I came up with them for no reason at all, except that it was fun and (I thought) a better way to discuss Fa-la-la-la Films and 25 Days of Movies for Christmas Movie Week than to just list a few of my favorites (ahem12MenofChristmasahem).

You wouldn’t know this if I wasn’t about to tell you, but in its original conception this post was to include Photoshopped movie posters.  But today…sigh…today I just don’t have the energy or the Photoshop skills (mostly the skills thing, to be frank) to make them.  You will have try to visualize these imaginary made-for-TV holiday movie romances based solely on my descriptions.

It will not be hard.  They are brilliant.



  • The 12 Puppies of Christmas – Up-and-coming Manhattan ad executive Piper (Gossip Girl’s Leighton Meester) has no time for love, fun or puppies, until her eccentric Aunt Agnes drops her 12 dogs (of comically different sizes) on Piper’s doorstep before jetting off to Europe for the holiday.  Puppy-themed hijinks ensue:  Tacos the chihuahua puppy chews up her Laboutins and Martha the golden retriever eats the mock-up she did for work! Lucky for Piper, David (unknown actor who looks like Josh Duhamel but isn’t Josh Duhamel.  Or is that Josh Duhamel?  No, no, he just looks like him) is a handsome man who just moved in next door and happens to be a scruffy but kind-hearted vet who wears plaid and is all too happy to lend a helping hand.  Just when she starts warming up to the puppies, however, Rufus the bull mastiff tackles her boss (who is terrified of dogs) and now, Piper will have to pitch head to head with another, evil puppy-hating ad exec to win a super-huge client – on CHRISTMAS EVE no less!  Of course, with the help of David, Piper realizes that all this ad campaign needs is 12 puppies in Santa hats to win the day – and win it she does!  By the time Aunt Agnes returns from her holiday, Piper has learned all about the true meaning of Christmas: love (and puppies).

Roxie the bulldog puppy, who pees on the Christmas tree!

  • Christmas Eve in Jail – On her way to meet up with the man of her dreams on Christmas Eve, hapless but charming jewelry designer Drew (Melissa Joan Hart) is arrested after a mix-up at a gas station convenience store by sexy but stoic small-town cop Joe (Joseph Lawrence).  When it becomes clear to Drew that identity theft is the at the root of the mix-up, she tries to convince Joe to help her fix the problem.  Joe is only interested in getting to Boston by 9pm to pick up someone named Candy before “it’s too late.”   Madcap adventures ensue (and sparks fly!), as Drew accompanies Joe from the police station in rural Vermont to the big city and they encounter quirky character after quirky character (all with suspiciously Canadian accents).  In the end, Drew’s name is cleared (the man of her dreams, whom she met online, turns out to be an internet scammer – the one who stole her identify!) and Joe gets to Boston in time to pick up Candy (who is not, as Drew suspected, Joe’s girlfriend but actually his recently deceased father’s dog that was about to be shipped off to a kill shelter in Kentucky.)  In the cop car along the way, Drew and Joe overcome their initial dislike of each other and fall in love!

One thing we can all agree on: these two have chemistry that just won’t quit!  Also, in my movie it will be snowy.

  • The First Noel – Preston Blake Noel III (Scott Porter aka Jason Street from Friday Night Lights aka George Tucker from Hart of Dixie)  is guilted into returning home to his snooty family’s Connecticut mansion for the holiday season, after his grandfather (Preston Blake Noel I, played to perfection by Richard Gilmore) has a heart attack.  Preston III hasn’t had any contact with his grandfather or father since they disinherited him for failing to take over the family pharmaceutical empire and pursuing his dream of being a Doctor Without Borders and opening a small community healthy clinic in Queens instead.  Presiding over the holiday festivities are his crotchety, wheel-chair bound grandfather and his sassy live in nurse (played by Della Reese), as well as Preston III’s emotionally distant playboy father Preston Blake Noel II (Dan Scott from One Tree Hill).  Annabelle (Cheyanne from Reba) is a local interest reporter and single-mother to a precocious 7-year-old boy named Cayden; after being contacted by the press-hungry Preston II, she shows up to to do a story on The Noel Family: Three Generations of Success.  When she begins work on her story old family secrets and resentments are churned up, as well as a few new surprises.  Preston III begins to forgive his grandfather for the past as he learns what motivated the old man, even as he develops feelings for the tough (but vulnerable) Annabelle.  Though everyone is saddened by the tragic Christmas night death of Preston Blake Noel I, the incorrigible young Cayden gets his wish for a new dad after all, and we learn that nurse Della Reese has actually been an angel this whole time.  The end!

FACT: 15-years-ago Jonathan Lipnicki is the only actor qualified to play the role of Cayden.

15-years-ago Jonathan Lipnicki is watching you, imaginary cast of The First Noel.

I think we can all agree that I have found my calling in life (Photoshopping aside).  I am expecting the call from ABC Family Channel or Lifetime: Television for Women any day.


Look what you did, you little jerk.


Christmas Movie Week…go!

Home Alone is the Christmas movie I watched tonight.  Here is some stuff you need to know about Home Alone:

  • It is still the highest-grossing comedy of all time, at least according to IMDB.  Crazy, am I right?  Also, I learned that Mrs. Doubtfire is the 6th-highest-grossing comedy of all time and 3 Men and a Baby is the 17th-highest-grossing comedy of all time, and that both of those are ahead of ALL the Adam Sandler movies.  This sort of renews my faith in humanity, but makes me question my faith in humanity at the same time.
  • If I had been left home alone, things would not have gone down the way they did.  For starters, when I realized I was home alone I would almost certainly have called the police myself and they would have taken me somewhere safe or had cops checking in on me all the time or something.  I was always very skeptical about the police’s lack of interest in Kevin’s situation; even when I was 8, I thought that had the ring of unrealistically convenient for the the story.  Now, in the odd event that I hadn’t done that, then at the very least I would have called the police BEFORE 9 p.m. and had them show up when Harry and Marv’s were just starting to break and enter.  No hilarious shenanigans, sure, but also no risk of accidentally committing manslaughter or riling up two criminals into a murderous rage.  I’ve thought about this a lot over the past two decades.
  • Another thing that I am sure has bothered us all: how did Harry and Marv not die?  I still think they would have died
  • Another thing that really bothered me tonight: when the police come to pick up Harry and Marv at Kevin’s neighbors’ house, do they not wonder to themselves, “Hey!  The man who lives here called us to report this crime!  Where is he now?  Also, how did these men get so many comical injuries all over them?  And for another thing, how did they come be unconscious? How has the water in this house been running for what would appear to be days if they were only robbing the house tonight?”  I think real police might have looked into things a little further, is all I am saying.
  • When Kevin McAllister finally gets that cheese pizza all to himself, I totally grok that.  I’m all,  “Kevin, dude, is that not the best feeling IN THE WORLD?  Being like an adult and being like, yeah, this whole cheese pizza is just for me and who’s going to do anything about it?  Oh yeah, NO ONE.”  I still experience this feeling, sometimes when I order whole cheese pizzas just for myself, sometimes when I put clothes I can’t afford on my credit card, sometimes when I stay up till 2 a.m. on a week night just because I can.  Being a mature adult living on her own is the best.
  • Stand-up comedians have things to say about Home Alone too because it is one of the movies of our generation:

Aziz Ansari mentions Home Alone and also Joe Pesci:

He also tweeted these last week:

We would be BFFs, me and Aziz.

Also John Mulaney at 1:09 gives his perspective on Home Alone 2: Lost in New York:

  • Finally: which of the awful things that happens to Harry and Marv makes you cringe the most?   Although it probably doesn’t hurt as much as a paint can to the face, etc., I think the part when a barefoot Marv lands on all the delicate glass ornaments upsets me the most;  my second worst is the nail in Marv’s foot.  Blergh – foot stuff just gives me the heebie-jeebies!!!

Now, watch the video below to refresh your memory of the pain and humiliation Harry and Marv suffer, and tell me which one would upset you the most in the comments!

outstanding in that capacity


So earlier tonight I found myself sitting alone in the dark in my apartment, eating chocolate cake and watching The Breakfast Club on DVD.

Writing it out like that, it occurs to me that some people might interpret that situation as sad or lame or lonely sounding.  But to be clear about things, I am sharing this with you because it was awesome.  So transcendentally awesome that I felt the need to write about it, even though I don’t have much to say beyond what I have already said.

Except to add that Judd Nelson is very attractive for someone with such large nostrils, is he not? Also I just found this drawing at an ETSY shop while searching for pictures of him, and I love it, wonky eyes and all:

Other (unrelated) things I wanted to share with you:

– Here is the link to Ina Garten’s Tabbouleh recipe.  It is delicious and quick and healthy and did I mention delicious?  I make it and I mix in a little feta cheese and put it on my salad instead of salad dressing.  This tabbouleh is an important part of my life these days; it is phenomenal.

– This video is beautiful (as are his previous videos, too).  We are all just people, man!  Cry cry cry.


– Ever have a vanilla steamer?  It is just steamed milk and vanilla syrup.  You should try one, unless you think you wouldn’t enjoy drinking pure happiness in a cup.  Is it a little too sweet and also totally bad for you?  Yes but I just do not care on a crispy fall night when I happen to pass by a Starbuck.

– I like my job, guys.  I like kids so very much, even (or maybe even especially) when they go on about protecting their library books from swooping eagles.  Seriously, swooping eagles absconding with library books in their talons is not exactly the number one problem plaguing students in the library today (uncapped water bottles in the backpack probably is) but one kid thought that scenario up and shared it, and then his classmates just ran with it.  Adorbs.

So many good things going on in my life lately, I could probably go on and on.  I’ll stop, though, because shit is about to get real at Shermer High and I need to give John Bender my full attention.

Body Heart Head Tater-tots


This is what is for dinner tonight:

chicky cutlet; roasted Brussels sprouts

My Body is all: YES! lean protein and vegetables!  Just what I am craving!

My Heart’s all: WHAT? lean protein and vegetables?!?  But where are the tater tots?!?!

Well, they’re in the freezer, Heart, because last night I listened to you and all we had for dinner was tots with hot sauce and sour cream plus two frozen waffles and two graham crackers.  That simply will not do.

Body, I could tell that the meal of tots-waffles-grahams was not your idea of a good time.  You missed having some protein, so for the rest of the evening we were sort of listless and lightheaded and we tossed and turned when we went to bed.  I am trying to remedy that sitch, Body, with this sensible but still pretty tasty (though not tots-level tasty) dinner.

Of course, my Head is all: quit talking to yourself and eat your damn dinner, weirdo.

My Head has a wisdom that my Heart and Body sometimes lack.

Then again, my Head just sanctioned a screening of The Notebook on a night when my Heart is feeling all maudlin about its state of affairs, so it’s kind of an idiot too.

Noah Calhoun, you get me.

P.S. Tater Tots is a tag I have used on this blog already.  Tater Tots.  Deep stuff, this.

The Sweetness, etc.


I am watching (500) Days of Summer.

And I’ve just realized something:  I am Tom Hanson (Joseph Gordon Levitt).

It is funny, because I completely identify with his character despite the fact that I have been, at times, likened to Zooey Deschanel, who plays Summer Finn.  I mean, it’s pretty amazing the comparisons blue eyes, bangs and a generally cheerful disposition will get you, but I like being compared to her so I will spread it around even if it’s probably not so true.

Sometimes I also like to pretend that I am a little like the character Summer Finn – independent, quirky, hip, free-spirited and untamable.

Truth is, that I have much more of Tom “Perfectly Adequate” Hanson in me than Summer Finn.  Namely in that I have a long and storied history of developing wild crushes on people based upon fictions. Even when I have gotten to know people, I can still project my own version of someone onto someone and carry that around with me for a long time.  Like, a long, long time.

omg we like one band in common! we’re totally getting married!

It is why I am not only still single, but am always single.  The constant disappointment of learning that people are real people and not the built-up, fictional versions of themselves that I have been obsessing over makes dating hard.

It’s probably why I hated Summer Finn the first couple times I saw this movie.

You see Tom jump to all sorts of conclusions about his compatibility with Summer based on non-legit criteria (like a shared interest in banana slugs) and develop a relationship with her that is built on selfish projections, if not full on delusions.  The train-wreck of their relationship is almost entirely his fault because of this.

This problem I have also relates to The Jake Ryan Complex, which is a classic issue stemming from the movie Sixteen Candles.  See, Molly Ringwald has a crazy crush on Jake Ryan because he is hot.  That is all she really knows about him, but in the way of high school crushes, that is all she really needs to know.

He is really way super hot, in fairness to Molly Ringwald.

really way super hot.

In Sixteen Candles, Jake Ryan turns out to be a nice guy and also interested in Molly Ringwald.  He shows up to her sister’s wedding in a tiny convertible and gets her a birthday cake.

I have always wanted that – the guy who you obsess over from afar turns out to like you too and also turns out to be a person worth liking.

Here is a Ze Frank video that discusses a similar topic as well:


I know I post a lot of his videos, but it is because they tend to really hit me where I live.  This one especially speaks to my soul, even more than all the Cheese Monster stuff he put out.

The craving for The Sweetness has been the main problem of my life, worse by far than my addiction to cheddar.

From now on, I am going to try very hard to stop being like Tom Hanson, and to stop waiting for a Jake Ryan, and to let go of the Sweetness, is the whole point of this blog post.

I think it will be hard, but I think it is worth trying.

“The feelings aren’t fictional but the guys are…”


Today as I was watching some Youtube videos, a suggestion on the side came up for a video entitled “10 Hottest Animated Guys.”

(Yes, my Youtube viewing habits led to that as a suggestion and no, I will not share how I got there.)

(Okay, fine, it was by watching Oo-de-lally from Robin Hood in languages other than English.  You should try it.)

So I watched this video, naturally, and the list was fairly mediocre.  It included some different types of cartoons than I usually consider (i.e. anime) but then it also featured Pips from Ferngully.  I mean, not even Zack the Human, but Pips the Fairy.  I suppose now that I am an adult, and I happen to love a ginger and he is voiced by Christian Slater, I can see how Pips might be a better choice.  But still, no one from FernGully makes my list at all (although that Hexxus…kind of a hottie, am I right?!?)

So I thought that even though I made this list once on my old Myspace Blog, I’d do it again only it will probably change because even I don’t remember who I put on it and there’s at least one new guy on here for sure.

Also, this launches Fictional Crushes Week, which features the tagline: the feelings aren’t fictional but the guys are. Stayed tuned for future editions including Childhood Crushes, Movie Crushes, Book Crushes, Television Crushes and…probably that’s it.

My Crushworthiest Animated Guys (probably not 10 of them):

  • Robin Hood – I mean, you already knew I was going to include him right?  “He’s such a FOX!” is a joke everyone, ever has made before.  But seriously, he is.  And absolutely the epitome of cool, and the foundation upon which my Robin Hood obsession is built.

I think he may also be the reason I love Renaissance Faires so much.

  • Demitri – To this day I find rolled up shirt-sleeves one of the sexiest sartorial choices a man can make- that’s the kind of profound effect Demitri has had on my life.

So many layers! Both on his torso, and in his heart.

  • Prince Lir – Okay, actually I was only so-so on him, but as a child I thought the sun rose and set on how stunningly beautiful Lady Amalthea/The Unicorn is.  I wanted to BE her and being her meant having the love of a man like Lir. Also, I find that adult me likes the longness of Lir’s face more than I did as a child even if the haunted feelings of sadness and confusion their love story left me with remain unchanged.

She has purple goddamn eyes and the flowingest white hair imaginable. How could I not want to be her?!?

  • Flynn Rider – Eugene Fitzherbert is awesome.  From the smolder to the impeccably animated eyebrows, I love him.  Plus he’s funny and his voice is awesome and I watch Tangled like once a week and never, ever ever get sick of him.  Truth.

Yeah, I only first saw him when I was 27 years old. So?

  • Justin – He’s from the Secret of NIMH, which is another 80s animated movie that left me feeling haunted, sad and confused, even though it ends happy (I think?).  Anyway, Justin’s a rat, but he’s a hottie all the same.  And also, the last non-human fella I will put on this list, I think.


  • Chalky – He was the easy-going jock to Doug Funny’s awkward nerd, sure.  But he also had a heart of gold, was great at school and suffered from serious pressure at home that had a humanizing effect on the otherwise too-good-to-true green-faced star student-athlete of Beebe Bluff Middle School.  Also, I loved him.

He was very cool. Look at his hair.

  • The Prince who was a Beast (whose name is apparently Prince Adam) – I used to go for Phillip from Sleeping Beauty but The Beast has way more personality and now that I am an adult, I get that he’s a handsome guy.  As a child I was all, ohhhh his hair’s long and he has lady-lips but now I get it.  Also, look at those arms and the broadness of those shoulders! Plus when he kisses Belle they float into the air and the wind swirls around them, and aren’t there even magical sparks flying around?!? Yeah, I get it now.

Arms. Shoulders. Sparks and shit. Yeah.

And that’s my list because I’ve been working on this for a long time, and I have to go watch some TV now.  Who’d I leave off according to your list (besides the guy from the Iron Giant which I haven’t seen but will see someday, okay)?  Conversely, if you are a dude who likes ladies, who would be on your animated-lady-list?



So much to look forward to


17-year-old-me: Umm…I think you meant “so much to which to look forward” right?

Me: Good god, quit!  Sometimes ending a sentence in a preposition isn’t all that painful, and sometimes it just sounds better, and sometimes it’s okay, even if it’s not technically right.  You really annoy me, you know that?  Especially because I am super jealous of you right now.

17-year-old Me: Is it because you think I am smarter, pretty,  more awesome and better at grammar than you and you’re just a boring almost-thirty-year-old?

Me: I think you are 17 and an idiot.

17-year-old-me: Then what?

Me: I’m jealous because you don’t have any idea about all the awesome entertainment that will be coming your way in the next ten years that you still get to experience for the first time.  Like Harry Potter!!!  I’d give anything to read Harry Potter again for the first time.

17-year-old-me:  I saw that book while I was babysitting – for children…because it’s a children‘s book.  When I go to college and onward, I have pretty serious plans to read pretty serious literature.  Are you joking with this Harry Potter stuff?

Me: OMG you just have no idea about anything!

17-year-old-me: What is “OMG”?

Me: OMG you don’t know OMG?  But I am a children‘s librarian, did you forget?  I pretty much only read books for children and teenagers now.  It’s amaaaah-zing.

17-year-old-me:  Why did you right “amazing” like “amaaaaaah-zing”?

Me: It’s from a show you’ll like called Happy Endings. It won’t be on for another eleven years.

17-year-old-me:  Okay, so what else?

Me: Well, you’ll discover YA literature, as discussed.   You’ll get to watch your first cycle of America’s Next Top Model  (you don’t even know how to SMIZE yet)…Veronica Mars season 1…The OC Season 1!  And Downton Abbey – you’ll even make the theme from that one your ringtone!

17-year-old Me: My “ringtone”?

Me: On your cellphone…people have cell phones in your world, you know…get with it.  Then, you still get to see Love Actually in the theater FOUR times.  You will cry very hard for the first 15 minutes of Up.  You will try so hard to figure out if Inception ends in a dream or in reality and you will never ever know!  And the first time you see a trailer for National Treasure?  You’re gonna plotz!  Oh man, plus you will get so excited when you find out that Johnny Depp will be in a pirate movie with ORLANDO BLOOM!

17 year-old Me: Who?

Me: You’ll get to discover ORLANDO BLOOM!  See?

FACT: you will one day cut out and fasten this very magazine page to a bulletin board in your dorm room!

17-year-old Me: Oooooohhhhh…

Me: Just wait till you see him as an elf.  Which means you’ll get to see Lord of the Rings!  And you’ll finally read Lord of the Rings and they are so good.

17-year-old Me: At least I’ve heard of that…

Me: You’ll get to see The Single Ladies [Put a Ring on It] music video and hear Regina Spektor sing Real Love and learn that Otis Redding’s These Arms of Mine is, like, the best song ever! OOHHH – you’ll discover Charlieissocoollike and Alex Day on Youtube!


17-year-old-me: Wait, what’s Youtube?

Me: OMG you don’t even have Youtube yet!!!  You are SO LUCKY!!  You’ll get to discover YOUTUBE!!!!  Christian the Lion – Krabstickz’ Nazi Gold – all those Dear Sister parodies -Honey Badger Don’t Care – The Bed Intruder – David After Dentist – Sassy Gay Friend – Charlie Bit Me – Kitty is a Bad Mystic – Twin Baby Boys Having a Conversation – Oo-de-Lally sung in every single language you can imagine!

17-year-old Me: Okay, you need to slow down a lit-


17-year-old Me: You aren’t even making sense anymore.


17-year-old Me: QUIT IT!!!  Frakking?  Cylons?  You are frakking me out…whatever that means…but I think I probably used it right, right?

Me: Whoa.  Yeah, sorry about that.  I just…got carried away.  You have things to look forward to in the next decade, is what I am saying.

17-year-old Me: That is actually a really nice thing to hear.  I kind of want you to…calmly and less scarily…tell me more…

Me: SPOILERS!  Haha – get it? I mean, of course you don’t get it yet. “Hello Sweetie!!!”  Haha!  River Song!?!?!  Doctor Who!!  DALEKS!!!

17-year-old Me: You’re doing it again.

Me: Sorry!  I meant that I can’t tell you too much – it will spoil it all.  Here is a clip that helped inspire me to do this whole theme week; it also includes John Green who will change your life and the much discussed “Youtube” that you will so enjoy and Battlestar Frakking GalacticaYou only need to watch the first 15 seconds to get my point, unless you want to keep going just because it’s a good interesting video.