I know what you’re thinking – every week at fauxspectacles is nerd week isn’t it, in a way?  Everything about this blog is nerdy, from the banner across the top to the exhaustive and ridiculous list of tags over there on the right.  But for this week, I shine a spotlight on the Nerd.

This theme is inspired by my old college pal Amelia, who chose to go to Medieval Times for her bachelorette party.  A brilliant idea, I think we can all agree- inspired, even.  This marked the FIRST TIME I have ever gone to Medieval Times (she said to general disbelief) and it was one of the single-greatest places I have ever been.  It will loom large in my memories, up there with King Richard’s Faire, one of my other favorite places I have been.  Of course one cannot not purchase an ocarina at The Times, which means the Faire has a bit of an edge.

So highlights from Medieval Times include but are not limited to:

  • The food-  actually surprisingly super-delicious and was all eaten with my fingers.  Seriously, half a chicken – no utensils!!  Delicious!!!
  • The music – SO LOUD and MEDIEVAL-ISH and INTENSE
  • The show – SO MUCH better than the jousts at K-Rick’s Faire.   I mean, yes, the falling off the horses was a bit staged, but sparks were flying during the sword play.  Sparks!!!
  • The atmosphere – it really seemed like everyone was into it, the excitement was palpable and as far as I could see no one there was “too cool” to cheer for their appointed knight
  • The bathroom had an “Xlerator” super-powered hand-dryer decorated with medieval weapons, and although Dyson Airblade Hand-dryers have replaced the Xlerator as my hand-drying device of choice (does the average person have a hand-drying device of choice?), I still have fond memories of those early days when Xlerator dryers started popping up and I took note of them. This is a weird bullet point, isn’t it?

The only bad thing was that our knight – the Black and White – was the first to die in the tournament.  It was traumatic and very depressing, but the delicious apple turnover helped to soothe the pain.

Anyway, that was Medieval Times.  I am very happy to have gone at last.

Also on the nerdy front, I just bought a t-shirt with this on it:

The Fellowship

VERY EXCITED for its arrival!

*”Wait a sec!  I wanted MORE CREEK WEEK!” you are saying and believe me, I understand.  The breadth of my discussion on Dawson’s Creek was not nearly comprehensive enough, and I am thinking that for the foreseeable future, every other week is going to be Creek Week once again.  Next week, friends, fellow Creekers…Capesiders?  Hmm.  Dawson’s Creek’s lack of Fandom name is annoying.  Let’s work on that!  Anyway, next week, more Creek.



A Huge Blockbuster SMASH…


…or at least a sort of semi-successful indie sleeper hit.

We have it in the works here at the Burrow.  Mostly it was Tessa’s idea, although I am going to talk about it here as if I came up with it on my own.  But never forget that pretty much all creative rights belong to Tessa.

So this movie – probably called something like Renaissance Times – is all about our friends who work the Renaissance Faire!

It will be like Adventureland but for a Renaissance Faires!  It will be a fun and poignant portrait of the personalities who work the Faire: the (let’s face it) weirdos mixing the ones who are just there for a paycheck, plus the people who visit the Faire and the itinerants who travel from one Faire to another.

Of course lots of research needs to go into this: are there actually people who work a RenFaire who don’t have the passion for it?  Like, are the actresses in the wench skits just actresses looking for work or do they really WANT to play wenches in shows at 1:00, 4:00 and 6:30?  And are the knights in the tournament like the top dogs of the whole circuit?  How much slutty wench-girl wannabe ass do they get? And what position is the bottom-rung – turkey-leg seller or ticket-taker?   And just how specialized is the falcon guy?  Did he go to school to study falconeering?

It will be offbeat and hilarious but also heartfelt and touching.

That’s all.  We probably won’t ever make this movie, so if you are a screenwriter or a Hollywood producer, I bet it’s okay for you to steal our idea.  Just please do a good job of it, and maybe cast Billy Zane as one of the tournament knights and obviously Will Forte should play the falcon guy.



The figure of the ocarina looms large in the iconography of my King Richard’s Faire memories, which are all about a decade old and overwhelmingly positive (joyful, even).

Indeed, ask anyone who talked to me in the days prior to my recent trip to the Faire, and they will be able to tell you that I said,  “I can buy an OCARINA!” (in addition to saying, “I can eat a giant turkey leg!” and “I am going to rent a costume…should I be a wench?  It’s probably cheaper, but I really want to be a princess!!”).

It is funny, because at K-Rick’s Faire, they sell all kinds of shit, like flower garlands and jerkins and fairy headdresses and broad swords and hyssop and chain mail and corsets and really bad fantasy dragon art and even furry clip-on tails, but the main thing I remember from my two visits there are the ocarinas.

Meanwhile, I didn’t end up renting a costume because it was like 80 degrees and humid and all the costumes felt damp.  I had to put down the fairy headdress that made me look like the White Witch of Narnia (seriously) because it was 50 dollars.

And while I did get a giant turkey leg, I am about 75% sure I found an actual pubic hair on it  (maybe it was a beard hair?  Let it please be a beard hair!!!) so an awful lot of turkey leg went into the trash and I have bad memories of that meal.

But I DID buy an ocarina!  Honestly, I was going to video myself playing some sick Hobbit tunes or something and post it for you, but it turns out the 10 dollar four-hole ocarina is sort poorly pitched and no matter how much I practice, it just don’t sound no good.

I was then going to take a photo of myself playing the ocarina to give an idea of how it looks, but I am all sweaty and it turns out that Ocarina-face is pretty unattractive.

So I have included this picture instead, which is pretty much what I look like while I am playing my ocarina anyway.

god, I can't stand that Ganondorf!

Now I must go practice – I’ve got it so I can just about recognize the Harry Potter tune as an actual melody with the almost right notes!

Boo for Tom Week; Huzzah for King Richard’s Faire!


The Week of Tom was a pretty unmitigated disaster of non-blogging proportions.

I had this great post started that was all about actors I liked who are named Tom (Hanks, Felton, Hardy), only I was going to take some actors whose names start with T but aren’t actually Toms and pretend like I thought they were named Tom.  You know – Tom Danson from Cheers and Tom Danza from Who’s the Boss – and so on.  It was going to be very funny.  I am not going to actually write that one any more, however, so you will just have to take my word for it.

I ended up not writing that because I was tired all week (and cranky about the weather) and then yesterday my computer had something called a KERNAL PANIC which freaked me out.  I took it into the Apple store to get it looked at and they ended up keeping it to run more diagnostic tests.  Who feels like blogging on a borrowed computer?

I mean, I am right now but hopefully that will be over soon enough.

So today I went to King Richard’s Faire.  I had a good time there and I have decided to devote the rest of the week to that topic, or at least to topics relating to it.

For today though, all there will be is just be this really lame, boring post about my Tom Week failure and my broken computer.

Tomorrow: ocarinas!