Real Moments of Genius

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Dearest Readers,

Tonight I am sharing with you three imaginary plots (along with some casting!) for nonexistent made-for-TV holiday movie romances that I have dreamed up in my head.  I came up with them for no reason at all, except that it was fun and (I thought) a better way to discuss Fa-la-la-la Films and 25 Days of Movies for Christmas Movie Week than to just list a few of my favorites (ahem12MenofChristmasahem).

You wouldn’t know this if I wasn’t about to tell you, but in its original conception this post was to include Photoshopped movie posters.  But today…sigh…today I just don’t have the energy or the Photoshop skills (mostly the skills thing, to be frank) to make them.  You will have try to visualize these imaginary made-for-TV holiday movie romances based solely on my descriptions.

It will not be hard.  They are brilliant.

Sincerely,

Nicolette

  • The 12 Puppies of Christmas – Up-and-coming Manhattan ad executive Piper (Gossip Girl’s Leighton Meester) has no time for love, fun or puppies, until her eccentric Aunt Agnes drops her 12 dogs (of comically different sizes) on Piper’s doorstep before jetting off to Europe for the holiday.  Puppy-themed hijinks ensue:  Tacos the chihuahua puppy chews up her Laboutins and Martha the golden retriever eats the mock-up she did for work! Lucky for Piper, David (unknown actor who looks like Josh Duhamel but isn’t Josh Duhamel.  Or is that Josh Duhamel?  No, no, he just looks like him) is a handsome man who just moved in next door and happens to be a scruffy but kind-hearted vet who wears plaid and is all too happy to lend a helping hand.  Just when she starts warming up to the puppies, however, Rufus the bull mastiff tackles her boss (who is terrified of dogs) and now, Piper will have to pitch head to head with another, evil puppy-hating ad exec to win a super-huge client – on CHRISTMAS EVE no less!  Of course, with the help of David, Piper realizes that all this ad campaign needs is 12 puppies in Santa hats to win the day – and win it she does!  By the time Aunt Agnes returns from her holiday, Piper has learned all about the true meaning of Christmas: love (and puppies).

Roxie the bulldog puppy, who pees on the Christmas tree!

  • Christmas Eve in Jail – On her way to meet up with the man of her dreams on Christmas Eve, hapless but charming jewelry designer Drew (Melissa Joan Hart) is arrested after a mix-up at a gas station convenience store by sexy but stoic small-town cop Joe (Joseph Lawrence).  When it becomes clear to Drew that identity theft is the at the root of the mix-up, she tries to convince Joe to help her fix the problem.  Joe is only interested in getting to Boston by 9pm to pick up someone named Candy before “it’s too late.”   Madcap adventures ensue (and sparks fly!), as Drew accompanies Joe from the police station in rural Vermont to the big city and they encounter quirky character after quirky character (all with suspiciously Canadian accents).  In the end, Drew’s name is cleared (the man of her dreams, whom she met online, turns out to be an internet scammer – the one who stole her identify!) and Joe gets to Boston in time to pick up Candy (who is not, as Drew suspected, Joe’s girlfriend but actually his recently deceased father’s dog that was about to be shipped off to a kill shelter in Kentucky.)  In the cop car along the way, Drew and Joe overcome their initial dislike of each other and fall in love!

One thing we can all agree on: these two have chemistry that just won’t quit!  Also, in my movie it will be snowy.

  • The First Noel – Preston Blake Noel III (Scott Porter aka Jason Street from Friday Night Lights aka George Tucker from Hart of Dixie)  is guilted into returning home to his snooty family’s Connecticut mansion for the holiday season, after his grandfather (Preston Blake Noel I, played to perfection by Richard Gilmore) has a heart attack.  Preston III hasn’t had any contact with his grandfather or father since they disinherited him for failing to take over the family pharmaceutical empire and pursuing his dream of being a Doctor Without Borders and opening a small community healthy clinic in Queens instead.  Presiding over the holiday festivities are his crotchety, wheel-chair bound grandfather and his sassy live in nurse (played by Della Reese), as well as Preston III’s emotionally distant playboy father Preston Blake Noel II (Dan Scott from One Tree Hill).  Annabelle (Cheyanne from Reba) is a local interest reporter and single-mother to a precocious 7-year-old boy named Cayden; after being contacted by the press-hungry Preston II, she shows up to to do a story on The Noel Family: Three Generations of Success.  When she begins work on her story old family secrets and resentments are churned up, as well as a few new surprises.  Preston III begins to forgive his grandfather for the past as he learns what motivated the old man, even as he develops feelings for the tough (but vulnerable) Annabelle.  Though everyone is saddened by the tragic Christmas night death of Preston Blake Noel I, the incorrigible young Cayden gets his wish for a new dad after all, and we learn that nurse Della Reese has actually been an angel this whole time.  The end!

FACT: 15-years-ago Jonathan Lipnicki is the only actor qualified to play the role of Cayden.

15-years-ago Jonathan Lipnicki is watching you, imaginary cast of The First Noel.

I think we can all agree that I have found my calling in life (Photoshopping aside).  I am expecting the call from ABC Family Channel or Lifetime: Television for Women any day.

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Look what you did, you little jerk.

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Christmas Movie Week…go!

Home Alone is the Christmas movie I watched tonight.  Here is some stuff you need to know about Home Alone:

  • It is still the highest-grossing comedy of all time, at least according to IMDB.  Crazy, am I right?  Also, I learned that Mrs. Doubtfire is the 6th-highest-grossing comedy of all time and 3 Men and a Baby is the 17th-highest-grossing comedy of all time, and that both of those are ahead of ALL the Adam Sandler movies.  This sort of renews my faith in humanity, but makes me question my faith in humanity at the same time.
  • If I had been left home alone, things would not have gone down the way they did.  For starters, when I realized I was home alone I would almost certainly have called the police myself and they would have taken me somewhere safe or had cops checking in on me all the time or something.  I was always very skeptical about the police’s lack of interest in Kevin’s situation; even when I was 8, I thought that had the ring of unrealistically convenient for the the story.  Now, in the odd event that I hadn’t done that, then at the very least I would have called the police BEFORE 9 p.m. and had them show up when Harry and Marv’s were just starting to break and enter.  No hilarious shenanigans, sure, but also no risk of accidentally committing manslaughter or riling up two criminals into a murderous rage.  I’ve thought about this a lot over the past two decades.
  • Another thing that I am sure has bothered us all: how did Harry and Marv not die?  I still think they would have died
  • Another thing that really bothered me tonight: when the police come to pick up Harry and Marv at Kevin’s neighbors’ house, do they not wonder to themselves, “Hey!  The man who lives here called us to report this crime!  Where is he now?  Also, how did these men get so many comical injuries all over them?  And for another thing, how did they come be unconscious? How has the water in this house been running for what would appear to be days if they were only robbing the house tonight?”  I think real police might have looked into things a little further, is all I am saying.
  • When Kevin McAllister finally gets that cheese pizza all to himself, I totally grok that.  I’m all,  “Kevin, dude, is that not the best feeling IN THE WORLD?  Being like an adult and being like, yeah, this whole cheese pizza is just for me and who’s going to do anything about it?  Oh yeah, NO ONE.”  I still experience this feeling, sometimes when I order whole cheese pizzas just for myself, sometimes when I put clothes I can’t afford on my credit card, sometimes when I stay up till 2 a.m. on a week night just because I can.  Being a mature adult living on her own is the best.
  • Stand-up comedians have things to say about Home Alone too because it is one of the movies of our generation:

Aziz Ansari mentions Home Alone and also Joe Pesci:

He also tweeted these last week:

We would be BFFs, me and Aziz.

Also John Mulaney at 1:09 gives his perspective on Home Alone 2: Lost in New York:

  • Finally: which of the awful things that happens to Harry and Marv makes you cringe the most?   Although it probably doesn’t hurt as much as a paint can to the face, etc., I think the part when a barefoot Marv lands on all the delicate glass ornaments upsets me the most;  my second worst is the nail in Marv’s foot.  Blergh – foot stuff just gives me the heebie-jeebies!!!

Now, watch the video below to refresh your memory of the pain and humiliation Harry and Marv suffer, and tell me which one would upset you the most in the comments!