The Sweetness, etc.


I am watching (500) Days of Summer.

And I’ve just realized something:  I am Tom Hanson (Joseph Gordon Levitt).

It is funny, because I completely identify with his character despite the fact that I have been, at times, likened to Zooey Deschanel, who plays Summer Finn.  I mean, it’s pretty amazing the comparisons blue eyes, bangs and a generally cheerful disposition will get you, but I like being compared to her so I will spread it around even if it’s probably not so true.

Sometimes I also like to pretend that I am a little like the character Summer Finn – independent, quirky, hip, free-spirited and untamable.

Truth is, that I have much more of Tom “Perfectly Adequate” Hanson in me than Summer Finn.  Namely in that I have a long and storied history of developing wild crushes on people based upon fictions. Even when I have gotten to know people, I can still project my own version of someone onto someone and carry that around with me for a long time.  Like, a long, long time.

omg we like one band in common! we’re totally getting married!

It is why I am not only still single, but am always single.  The constant disappointment of learning that people are real people and not the built-up, fictional versions of themselves that I have been obsessing over makes dating hard.

It’s probably why I hated Summer Finn the first couple times I saw this movie.

You see Tom jump to all sorts of conclusions about his compatibility with Summer based on non-legit criteria (like a shared interest in banana slugs) and develop a relationship with her that is built on selfish projections, if not full on delusions.  The train-wreck of their relationship is almost entirely his fault because of this.

This problem I have also relates to The Jake Ryan Complex, which is a classic issue stemming from the movie Sixteen Candles.  See, Molly Ringwald has a crazy crush on Jake Ryan because he is hot.  That is all she really knows about him, but in the way of high school crushes, that is all she really needs to know.

He is really way super hot, in fairness to Molly Ringwald.

really way super hot.

In Sixteen Candles, Jake Ryan turns out to be a nice guy and also interested in Molly Ringwald.  He shows up to her sister’s wedding in a tiny convertible and gets her a birthday cake.

I have always wanted that – the guy who you obsess over from afar turns out to like you too and also turns out to be a person worth liking.

Here is a Ze Frank video that discusses a similar topic as well:


I know I post a lot of his videos, but it is because they tend to really hit me where I live.  This one especially speaks to my soul, even more than all the Cheese Monster stuff he put out.

The craving for The Sweetness has been the main problem of my life, worse by far than my addiction to cheddar.

From now on, I am going to try very hard to stop being like Tom Hanson, and to stop waiting for a Jake Ryan, and to let go of the Sweetness, is the whole point of this blog post.

I think it will be hard, but I think it is worth trying.


Did I fall asleep?


Here’s some free advice for you:

If you are a person who suffers from frequent, intense and incredibly realistic night-terror hallucinations in which you become convinced that people are somehow invading your bedroom and using technology to steal your life and/or control your mind, maybe don’t watch a whole bunch of episodes of the TV show Dollhouse right before you go to bed.

Dollhouse, in case you didn’t know, is a show in which technology is used to steal people’s lives and control their minds.  It is very good, actually – made by Joss Whedon, features Tahmoh Penikett: Handsomest Man Ever, has a slew of really excellent characters, makes me forget how much I cannot stand actress Eliza Dushku in most things – just all around top-notch storytelling, I say.

But seriously, man…I suffer from night terrors and have since way before I ever watched Dollhouse.  Not like wake up in another room holding a knife or scream my head of at 4 am or punch the person I’m sleeping next to night terrors.

I just sometimes wake up (or do I?  Am I actually just dreaming?) in the middle of the night, and believe that I see things (wires, cameras, other DEVICES) and feel things (like my soul being sucked out through my fingertips or my arms being controlled by outside forces) and I usually believe it to be my neighbors behind the plot and it scares me a lot.  I freak out, naturally, but I never get up or make noise.  I just wait a few minutes and my mind both clears and gets fuzzy; it returns to its regular, non-terrified state and I realize I’ve been having a night terror but the thing that had been terrifying me becomes very vague and difficult to remember.

Then I fall back asleep and that’s that.

[I was going to embed a video of one my most favorite television scenes involving night terrors, but it wouldn’t let me embed it, so click this link you and it will take you to one of my most favorite television scenes involving night terrors]

In the moment, I always really believe whatever thing is happening is real…so much so, that I sometimes kind of believe the whole situation is real when I am awake and talking about it.  It just seems like this happens an awful lot for it to not be real.  And I mean, pretty convenient that I never quite remember exactly what it was that I saw, you know?  A little too convenient…

Of course, I do realize that the nice PhD candidates who lived downstairs from me at my last apartment were not trying to use dark magic/surveillance cameras to steal my life force.  And while the elderly British mother-son duo who live in the adjacent apartment to me and smell like soy sauce may be hoarding stuff, I understand that they are certainly not feeding wires from their kitchen through my bedroom window to control my mind.

This is a problem for which I currently have no solution.  I’ve spent a lot of time moving furniture and decor in my bedroom(s) trying to blame the terrors on bad feng shui.  In my experience, good feng shui does help to ease the symptoms, but it has not been a total cure.  Truth is, when I feel stressed out about something my night terrors happen more often.  New school year, for example, combined with oh-so-many episodes of Dollhouse before beddy-bye, it’s just a recipe for disaster.

I will have to risk one more night of it because I have one more episode of Dollhouse left and I must know how it ends.

Not so handsome as Agent Paul Ballard [swoon], but Topher Brink here is my favorite.

Also, I meant to write about Good Stuff during Good Stuff Week, like Love and My Family and Streaming TV on Netflix.  Unfortunately, I am moving on to Back to School Week, which means Whatever I Feel Like Week, because going to back to school is hard.  But those are some examples of Good Stuff in my life, aight?

“The feelings aren’t fictional but the guys are…”


Today as I was watching some Youtube videos, a suggestion on the side came up for a video entitled “10 Hottest Animated Guys.”

(Yes, my Youtube viewing habits led to that as a suggestion and no, I will not share how I got there.)

(Okay, fine, it was by watching Oo-de-lally from Robin Hood in languages other than English.  You should try it.)

So I watched this video, naturally, and the list was fairly mediocre.  It included some different types of cartoons than I usually consider (i.e. anime) but then it also featured Pips from Ferngully.  I mean, not even Zack the Human, but Pips the Fairy.  I suppose now that I am an adult, and I happen to love a ginger and he is voiced by Christian Slater, I can see how Pips might be a better choice.  But still, no one from FernGully makes my list at all (although that Hexxus…kind of a hottie, am I right?!?)

So I thought that even though I made this list once on my old Myspace Blog, I’d do it again only it will probably change because even I don’t remember who I put on it and there’s at least one new guy on here for sure.

Also, this launches Fictional Crushes Week, which features the tagline: the feelings aren’t fictional but the guys are. Stayed tuned for future editions including Childhood Crushes, Movie Crushes, Book Crushes, Television Crushes and…probably that’s it.

My Crushworthiest Animated Guys (probably not 10 of them):

  • Robin Hood – I mean, you already knew I was going to include him right?  “He’s such a FOX!” is a joke everyone, ever has made before.  But seriously, he is.  And absolutely the epitome of cool, and the foundation upon which my Robin Hood obsession is built.

I think he may also be the reason I love Renaissance Faires so much.

  • Demitri – To this day I find rolled up shirt-sleeves one of the sexiest sartorial choices a man can make- that’s the kind of profound effect Demitri has had on my life.

So many layers! Both on his torso, and in his heart.

  • Prince Lir – Okay, actually I was only so-so on him, but as a child I thought the sun rose and set on how stunningly beautiful Lady Amalthea/The Unicorn is.  I wanted to BE her and being her meant having the love of a man like Lir. Also, I find that adult me likes the longness of Lir’s face more than I did as a child even if the haunted feelings of sadness and confusion their love story left me with remain unchanged.

She has purple goddamn eyes and the flowingest white hair imaginable. How could I not want to be her?!?

  • Flynn Rider – Eugene Fitzherbert is awesome.  From the smolder to the impeccably animated eyebrows, I love him.  Plus he’s funny and his voice is awesome and I watch Tangled like once a week and never, ever ever get sick of him.  Truth.

Yeah, I only first saw him when I was 27 years old. So?

  • Justin – He’s from the Secret of NIMH, which is another 80s animated movie that left me feeling haunted, sad and confused, even though it ends happy (I think?).  Anyway, Justin’s a rat, but he’s a hottie all the same.  And also, the last non-human fella I will put on this list, I think.


  • Chalky – He was the easy-going jock to Doug Funny’s awkward nerd, sure.  But he also had a heart of gold, was great at school and suffered from serious pressure at home that had a humanizing effect on the otherwise too-good-to-true green-faced star student-athlete of Beebe Bluff Middle School.  Also, I loved him.

He was very cool. Look at his hair.

  • The Prince who was a Beast (whose name is apparently Prince Adam) – I used to go for Phillip from Sleeping Beauty but The Beast has way more personality and now that I am an adult, I get that he’s a handsome guy.  As a child I was all, ohhhh his hair’s long and he has lady-lips but now I get it.  Also, look at those arms and the broadness of those shoulders! Plus when he kisses Belle they float into the air and the wind swirls around them, and aren’t there even magical sparks flying around?!? Yeah, I get it now.

Arms. Shoulders. Sparks and shit. Yeah.

And that’s my list because I’ve been working on this for a long time, and I have to go watch some TV now.  Who’d I leave off according to your list (besides the guy from the Iron Giant which I haven’t seen but will see someday, okay)?  Conversely, if you are a dude who likes ladies, who would be on your animated-lady-list?