The Bacon Story and Other Food Confessions


If you know me, you likely already know the very sad, very true story about me and the buffet bacon.  Even though it’s not super-secret I still think it makes for a decent confession, as do these other stories of atrocities committed by me against the world of food and healthy eating.

Confession 1: I once ate 20 pieces (AT LEAST) of bacon from a brunch buffet in one sitting.

As I remember it, the bacon was extra delicious that day. After taking two pieces on my plate along with other regular brunch foods I was drawn back to the buffet tray for more…again and again and again, etc.

What makes this story so very excellent is that the following day I went in for blood work to have my cholesterol tested.  When the results came back the doctor was like, “The enormous level of your triglycerides defies belief and alarms me.”   I didn’t want to ask, “Could the fact that I ate 20 pieces of bacon the day prior to my blood work have caused a large spike in my triglycerides?” because ew, that’s a gross thing to have done and admit to a medical doctor.  Instead I consulted with a nutritionist (who said things akin to “do not eat 20 pieces of buffet bacon in one sitting”) and I “ate healthy” and returned to retake my cholesterol test in a couple weeks; they found such a significant drop in my triglycerides over such a short time that they were truly puzzled by the results.

Because of this story, my mother once told me that this clip (especially around 1:45-ish) makes her think of me:


Confession 2: I put salt on Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

I also sometimes will throw a little into my Ramen Cup Noodles, other canned soups, Chinese food and any number of other processed foods that are already ridiculously high in sodium.  Salt makes everything, even already salty things, taste better.

In case you are starting to seriously fret over my health, let me assure you that the bacon thing was a fluke, and that I eat processed foods such as those listed above so very, very rarely that I do not think there is much cause for concern.

In fact…

Confession 3: Excepting school holidays, I eat a salad for lunch or dinner almost every single day.

That’s a curve ball, isn’t it?  I imagine that this is probably the shocking-est food confession of mine, as I am not even close to as unhealthy as I seem from casual anecdotes. I also eat a pear, a banana, organic sprouted-grain toast and all-natural no-sugar-added peanut butter virtually every day as well.  Let’s not spread that around too much, though, as I have a revolting reputation as a junk food junkie to uphold.

That said…

Confession 4: I once found a piece of wrapped candy on the floor of a Borders Book Store and I picked it up and I ate it.

I really have nothing to say for this one, other than that it’s a shame that it went down like it did.


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